Follow the red flags, they'll show you the way.
Scheduling is hard when you’re an adult, it just is. My latest date took a month to get on the calendar. He went away for the weekend, I went away, he had his kids for the weekend... It’s not a big deal. You want to meet someone, you knock the ball back and forth and you work with what you have.
Me: My weekend is booked up, but if you’re willing to make the drive to my neighborhood, I can skip out for coffee during the week.
Him: Looks like you have a full plate. I’m not sure how far it is, but I don’t think it would be feasible to drive 30/40 minutes to chat for a short period. When your schedule eases we can make a time to meet for a more in-depth and engaging convo.
I will always have a full plate. I’m not looking for someone to kill time with.
It’s 18.3 miles. I looked it up. It’s half an hour. I drove half an hour to meet the psychologist for lunch.
Maybe this is on me for suggesting coffee rather than lunch. Perhaps the default mindset is coffee is short? I’ve had coffee dates that lasted two hours.
My schedule is not going to ease. I make time for the things I want to do. Please note: I was trying to make time. You drive for this, I’ll make the time in my day.
I am either engaging or I am not. We are having good conversation or we are not. There is no one-hour pre-game show after which my engaging qualities kick in. I can tell in the first ten minutes of a date if I am going to enjoy talking with you. This is different than if I am physically attracted to you.
There are so many other ways he could have responded.
Can we meet halfway?
How much time will you have? (OMG, just fucking ask.)
Could we have lunch instead? Would that work?
I know it’s a ways out, but can you commit to next weekend?
Also, he’s unemployed. I don’t care that he’s unemployed, these are weird times and I know he’s actively looking. But unemployed guy can’t drive half an hour to meet me for coffee? I am inconvenient and he has expectations on my time before we’ve met.
This is useful information.
I consider what he really means vs. what he said.
Him: If there’s no chance we’re hooking up, I’m not getting in the car.
Me: Even if that was going to happen — and let’s be clear, odds were extremely low — it’s certainly not going to happen now.
20 asked me out again. I told him the truth; there’s no romantic possibility with a guy that reminds me so much of my brother. He was an adult about it. It made me feel blue.
The inner streets of Tinder were like walking into a sweaty locker room filled with leery men. I wasn’t particularly shocked; these were just men . . . menning.
—Ucheoma Onwutuebe on Catapult
I don’t share specifics with this woman, but her experience is so much like mine. Why isn’t online dating a better experience? I ask myself this All. The. Time.