Random Thoughts on Dating

How does this work again?

Me: OMG He has no chill. He REALLY needs to slow his roll.

Also me: WHY HASN’T HE TEXTED?

I haven’t been single in more than 20 years. 20 years ago you did not meet a random stranger because you both swiped the same direction on a tiny screen. You might put an ad in the back of the local weekly and then, you got a voicemail box where you could get your messages, and then, I don’t even remember what happened, though I do remember I went on at least one date that way, so I suppose it worked? Mostly you just met people and hooked up and decided later if it was going to be a thing.

I get that the specifics, the mechanics are still the same: you meet someone, you hit it off or you don’t, you trade phone numbers, you go from there. But things are different too. I don’t think it’s the mechanics, I think it’s because I’ve been out of the game. I forgot how it’s played.

It’s like I live in a foreign country where I speak just enough of the language to manage the basics, but no more. I can order my coffee the way I like it, but I don’t understand how much things cost. I can say that no, of course I didn’t vote for Bush, but I can’t say that I in fact worked on the opposition campaign. I can find the things I need in the supermarket, but heaven forbid I need to ask for something from the deli counter, that is just a bridge too far.

A BRIDGE TOO FAR, PEOPLE.

How much communication is too much? How much is too little? Are there certain questions that are out of bounds? Am I supposed to be seeing more than one person at a time? Is serial dating okay? If I meet someone I like, what do I do with the matches I think I might like if this doesn’t turn out to be anything? Am I too old to make out in the parking lot? If I’m not legally divorced and I want to bring a man home does that make me a terrible person, even if emotionally, I have so moved on, oh my god, have I ever?

Me: OMG, you know who has no chill? YOU. Stop overthinking everything and just try to have fun, okay? Let some guy be nice to you and no, you are not too old to make out in the parking lot. Just, you know, be safe, okay?

Also me: “Stop overthinking?” Have you even MET me?