I had coffee with a recently single friend; we both spent Thanksgiving alone. Said friend mentioned an episode of the NPR show Hidden Brain and how it resonated.
“Oh, shit,” I thought, after spending the hour learning about all the ways being lonely is bad for you. It literally shortens your life.
People who struggle with such loneliness seem to have a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, fragmented sleep and depression. The list goes on. Lonelier people may even live shorter lives. — Hidden Brain
It’s worth noting that being alone is not synonymous with being lonely. I was not, in fact, lonely over Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful day and I got a lot of things done. I made stuffing waffles. I completed a bunch of garden chores. I did laundry. I cleaned off my bookshelves. I boxed a bunch of stuff for the Goodwill. All in all, it was a good, productive weekend and for most of it, I was not lonely.
I still kind of freaked out when I heard about the health costs. The morning after I listened to that episode, I rebooted my online dating profile.
I got two interested guys right away. The first one asked me if I was familiar with the law of attraction. I did not say, “Oh, that metaphysical bullshit that Oprah was hawking some years back? Where you just wish your success into being? Yeah, I’ve heard of it. I’m more of a put on my shoes and do shit kinda human, but you go ahead and keep wishing. Lemme know how that works out for you.”
The other one said this:
I’m hoping to find a friend with benefits, emphasis on the friends. My partner is asexual and I have a high sex drive. Kind of an unusual situation but my partner and I have discussed it for a while and she is okay to open the relationship. Are you open to something like that?
Ugh.
First of all, my dude, this story is not unusual at all, though I have doubts about the veracity of the specifics every time I hear it. Countless married and otherwise partnered men have asked me about my availability to be their side piece.
Secondly, countless men have presented their sexual voraciousness as though it’s a shiny object that will distract me from the fact that they have relegated me to the status of an all-you-can-fuck buffet. Is that really the quality you want to lead with, your supposed insatiability? You’re broadcasting a pretty heavy message about your needs being front and center there, pal.
I dunno, maybe you need a sex worker. No shade on sex workers, I swear, but that’s what it sounds like you’re looking for. I’m not sure what I projected to make you think this would be attractive to me. Oh, wait, I didn’t project anything, that was you.
Ugh, I say again.
In contrast to the data around the health costs of being lonely, there’s an additional pile of data around single women, specifically, being happier alone.
This is a few years old, but:
…the science backs it up: unmarried and childless women are the happiest subgroup in the population. And they are more likely to live longer than their married and child-rearing peers, according to a leading expert in happiness. — The Guardian
I’m thinking — hoping — it evens out.
Also, unmatch.